Sunday, 29 August 2010
Beyond Chocolate- Before.
I spent 23 years dieting or being ashamed that I wasn't on a diet. I tried Weightwatchers, The Cambridge, SlimFast, The Hays Diet, Slimming World, Paul McKenna and any number of strange ideas of my own creation(eat a melon before every meal so I'd already be full, make a giant saucepan of low-calorie soup and eat it for days).
I lost loads of weight over the years and put it back on the moment I stopped dieting. My brush with anorexia in my early twenties left me two stone lighter and resulted in compliments from most people and the comment from a family member that I couldn't have been anorexic as,
"Thin people have anorexia"
the clear implication being that I was too much of a bloater!
I paid massive amounts of money on meal substitutes and diet club fees and ended up fatter than I'd ever been and full of self-loathing. Any social occasion could be ruined by the realisation that I was the fattest person in the room. My relationship with my naturally slim sisters was strained as they couldn't understand why I had a problem.
Not even the idea of being a plus-sized bride could encourage me to lose weight (see the fat-bottomed bride above!). I failed at every diet going. I had no will-power. I would buy a packet of five "Yumyums" (a delicious straight, doughnut-style pastry) and eat them all without really noticing; I would eat everything on my plate even if it meant I felt stuffed and ill and wishing I hadn't eaten at all; I would make enough of a pasta dish to last me a few days and then eat it all over one evening; I would go for breakfast with a friend and order the largest meal on the menu, then spend the rest of the day moaning in discomfort.
I thought I was greedy; I thought I loved to eat; I thought bigger was better; I thought I had an enormous appetite. I thought about food from the moment I woke til the moment I slept. I spent all my time planning what I'd eat next; wondering when it could next be acceptable for me to eat. I would eat a lunch before meeting a friend for lunch. I started to be called jolly to have conversations with much slimmer people where they moaned about their weight and when I pointed out how much fatter I was they would say,
"Yes, but you don't mind"
I started to hate myself. When my fiance stopped wanting to have sex with me I decided I didn't blame him, and ate more.
And then it all changed.
MrsB saw an item online about Beyond Chocolate. She was intrigued and decided to go on a one day workshop in London, she also decided I should go with her and advanced me the money to pay for it.
I will never stop thanking her for that.