Things I can't do

I can't tie myself to the bed.


Let me explain. I suffer from numerous allergies; some are life-threatening (the mould that grows on damp tents and marquees anyone?) and some are just annoying (biological washing powder). Sometimes in bed at night the itch becomes intolerable and I wake up and find I've scratched myself raw. I've tried wearing scratch mittens but it's amazing the damage you can do just by rubbing and I've tried anti-histamines but they knock me out and I'm a zombie the next day.

One day I had the brilliant idea of tying my hands to the bedpost. I should explain that I already sleep with my hands up on the pillow and my head cradled on my forearms so it's not an uncomfortable position. I toddled off to our local specialist underwear and "toy" shop, Gwenap, and bought myself a set of neoprene and Velcro cuffs. They're soft and utilitarian and exactly what I needed. I don't think for a moment that the lady believed me when I told her why I wanted them and I smiled wryly to myself as I left the shop and some workmen asked me what I'd bought in traditionally ribald terms.

The next time I started to itch I asked my husband to do the honours and he secured me to the bed. I had a fantastic night's sleep and woke up non-scratched and refreshed. Over many other nights we did the same thing: I'd call him to the bedroom, he'd tie me up, he'd leave, I'd wonder why he didn't take advantage of the situation, I'd wonder what he was doing downstairs, I'd finally fall asleep, I'd sleep through the night. On the health front it was an ideal arrangement as I was managing my allergies without drugs. My self-esteem found it less satisfactory...

Well, the mass of frustration and pain that was my marriage is over now and I share the bed with the cats (and yes, I can see the irony in a post about allergies). The night before last I woke up and realised my skin was itching so I got out the cuffs but, try as I might, I could not manage to secure them and me at the same time. I could get them onto the bedpost and secure one hand, or I could secure both hands but not onto the bedpost. I felt like a reverse Houdini. Finally, I took a Vallergen. This was at 4 am. I finally stopped feeling drugged and spaced-out at about 7pm.

So it seems to me that I need to find someone to tie me to my bed...